In which, the best score doesn't always win, and we are introduced to a player who literally only joins in to make up the numbers.
"People said we couldn't play
They called us foul-mouthed yobs
But the only notes that really count
Are the ones that come in wads..."
"...Rock and roll swindle
Swindle
It's a swindle!"
The Great Rock and Roll Swindle.
(Julien Temple, Paul Cook & Steve Jones 1979)
There are a number of reasons why the early morning thrash at Eastbourne Downs isn't for everyone.
To start with it often requires you to head for your car before first light.
Then there's the fact that you won't know who you're playing with until just before you tee off.
And, when you've battled the elements, the course and your companions, it often transpires that a good score will lose out to a distinctly average one.
Yet for some of us, fortunate enough to have strayed into the fold, that thrash is the epicentre of the golfing universe.
It's not because it's made us better golfers.
And it certainly isn't because it's made us richer golfers.
But it has definitely made life a little richer.
A bit of banter, a lot of camaraderie, a pint or two of Guinness and the odd club sandwich, goes a long way amongst friends
Friends.
Some new, some old, some older.
They are the start and finish of what the early morning thrash means.
And yet...
...obviously...
... none of us mind taking £3.60 off a mate now and again or walking away with half the 'pot' through pure luck of the draw.
Icing, cake.
So how does the Swindle work?
Considering that it's a fairly simple concept it does take a surprisingly long time for some people to understand the rules.
This is it, give or take, most Saturday mornings.
The first players start arriving at the club house just after 07.00am for a cuppa.
30 minutes later everyone grabs clubs and trolleys and gathers by the first tee, high above Eastbourne, for 'balls up'.
Players place a golf ball in the 'sorting hat', the contents of which are then thrown into the air.
Playing partners are assigned according to how the balls have landed, a process often assisted with some judicious selection by the 'sorter'.
Whether it's three-balls, four-balls or a combination of both will depend upon numbers.
A slim week will see barely half a dozen participants, other weeks it might be sixteen.
The running order is, theoretically, determined by the order that the groups are selected from the ball toss. Here again, the 'sorter' sometimes promotes one group in front of another with little real justification.
But nobody really puts up much resistance.
There's tacit acceptance that, at this point in the proceedings, the 'sorter' is in charge.
Depending on whether playing in a three or four ball, each group will either play 'better ball' golf, or 'Chairman' if in a three.
Whatever the game being played out on the course, each competitor will also record an individual 'Stableford' score.
When the whole field has returned to the club house each player’s score is recorded on a scrap of paper.
The scribe will need to find room on a table laden with, tea, coffee, beer, Guiness, and sandwiches.
Each player's name is then randomly drawn with another player in the competition.
When all names have been paired up, the two players drawn together with the highest combined score are declared winners of the swindle.
So, let's say Gary with 39 points (and best score of the day) gets drawn with Jon with 30 points (poor score). Combined total 69 points.
Simon 38 points gets picked with Nick on 32 for a total of 70 points.
Pete (36 points) and Phil (35 points) are selected together. Their total is 71 points and the highest of any pair of names drawn.
Pete and Phil therefore split the pot, despite not having had the best scores of the day.
Simple.
The prize is a half share of the £2 entrance fee multiplied by the number of players.
It's not a life changing sum.
Certainly not in the same financial eco-system as LIV.
But a win's a win, no?
And on weeks when an odd number of players report for duty, there's a further twist to proceedings.
On such occasions, and in order to ensure every name in the draw has a partner, an additional player is introduced.
A. N. Other esq.
He doesn't have a handicap and has never picked up a club, but if you've posted a good score, he is definitely the fellow you want to be drawn out with.
Why?
A. N. Other doubles the score of the player he is drawn out with.
And a win with A. N. Other secures you all of the pot.
So, there you have it.
Swindle 101.
And on the subject of Swindels...
...are you acquainted with SAS Rogue Heroes? (SAS Rogue Heroes | Brand new trailer - BBC - Bing video)
It stars (Lewes born) Connor Swindells and is produced by the people who made Peaky Blinders.
The strap line to the series is:
Based on a true story,
the events depicted which seem most unbelievable
...are mostly true.
Recommended.